Texts From Last Night: Pro Wrestling Edition
by Kermit The Yoda
Summary: Random Text Messages from various WWE/TNA superstars. Hilarious. Read, Review, Love      Rated M: Because anything under is lame.  Character: Jeff Hardy was selected because well, most are from him...but, there are many others
1. Chapter 1

**There's a website called "Texts From Last Night". Most epic site EVER created. I shared this with Bamagirl2010, and well..I give you...Texts From Wrestlers.**

_****DISCLAIMER** None of these texts are from CM Punk, because he is better than you.**_

_**Disclaimer2** All texts came from Texts From Last Night dot Com and credit goes to the lovely drunk people who submitted them._

* * *

**To: John Morrison**  
**From: Eli Cottonwood**  
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by Wednesday night?

**To: Evan Bourne  
From: Randy Orton (and John Cena)**  
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

**To: Cody Rhodes**  
**From: Ted DiBiase**  
**About: Maryse**  
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

**To: Rob Van Dam**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

**To: Matt Hardy**  
**From: Shannon Moore (and Jeff Hardy)**  
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

**To: Brian Kendrick**  
**From: Eric Young**  
**About: Orlando Jordan**  
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

**To: Chris Jericho**  
**From: E&C (Swagger was also involved)**  
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

**To: Matt Hardy**  
**From: Jeff Hardy and Justin Gabriel **  
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Shane "Hurricane" Helms**  
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

**To: AJ Styles**  
**From: Ric Flair**  
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: Ted DiBiase Jr**  
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

**To: Christian**  
**From: Edge**  
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

**From: Chris Sabin**  
**To: Alex Shelley**  
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

**To: Ted DiBiase Jr**  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up.

**From: Shane Helms**  
**To: Chris Jericho**  
**About: The drunk fight incident that ended in arrests.**  
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.

**To: Undertaker**  
**From: James Lawson**  
**About: Cooper Lawson and Jeff Hardy**  
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?

**To: Evan Broune**  
**From: Daniel Bryan**  
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know

**To: Undertaker**  
**From: James Lawson**  
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.

**To: Brett DiBiase**  
**From: Ted DiBiase Jr**  
**About: His and Cody Rhodes' first meeting with Randy Orton**  
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

**To: Skip Sheffeild**  
**From: Justin Gabriel**  
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are

**To: Shannon Moore**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

**To: Alex Shelley**  
**From: Chris Sabin**  
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

**To: John Cena**  
**From: Randy Orton**  
porn star boner night. come get it.

**To: Heath Slater**  
**From: Justin Gabriel**  
**About: loosing it to Matt Hardy**  
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity...

**To: Shannon Moore**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!

**To: The Miz**  
**From: John Morrison**  
**About: Melina**  
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

**To: Kimo**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why

**To: Edge**  
**From: Christian**  
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Tyson Kidd**  
**About: Natalya**  
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

**To: The Miz**  
**From: Alex Riley**  
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

**To: Natalya**  
**From: Beth Phoenix **  
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.

**To: Jerry Lawler**  
**From: Michael Cole**  
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

**To: Everyone in her phonebook by accident**  
**From: Kelly Kelly**  
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Dolph Ziggler**  
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself

**To: Ted DiBiase Jr**  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
**About: Randy Orton**  
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

**To: Himself**  
**From: Eric Bischoff**  
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.

**To: Shane Helms**  
**From: Shannon Moore**  
**About: Jesse Neil**  
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

**To: CM Punk**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

**To: Beer Money Inc**  
**From: Motor City Machine Guns**  
**About: Gen Me**  
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Zack Ryder**  
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.

**To: Eric Young**  
**From: Brian Kendrick**  
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

**To: Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Kimo**  
**About: Matt Hardy**  
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried

**To: The Miz**  
**From: Michael Cole**  
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny.

**To: Christian**  
**From: Edge**  
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it

**To: Matt Hardy**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
**About: A night with Edge**  
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: John Cena**  
**About: the Wade Barrett situation**  
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask.

To: HBK  
From: HHH  
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport.

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
**Seat Mates: Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel**  
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Layla**  
**About: Michelle McCool and Undertaker's Wedding**  
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

**To: Colt Cabana**  
**From: CM Punk**  
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

**To: Wade Barrett**  
**From: David Otunga**  
**About: Husky Harris**  
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.

**To: Shannon Moore**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
**About: CM Punk**  
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.

**To: Alex Shelley**  
**From: Chris Sabin**  
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.

**To: The Entire Raw Roster**  
**From: Kelly Kelly**  
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

**To: Alicia Fox**  
**From: Melina**  
**About: Miz and Morrison**  
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

**To: Alex Riley**  
**From: The Miz**  
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

**To: Brian Kendrick**  
**From: RVD**  
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

**From: Anyone that's ever lived next door to Randy Orton**  
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

**To: Stevie**  
**From: Raven**  
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

**To: Youtube**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
**About: the Christmas Bash**  
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

**To: James Lawson**  
**From: Undertaker**  
**About: The McTaker wedding**  
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
**About: A drunk Taker**  
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

**To: Christian**  
**From: Chris Jericho**  
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"

**To: Homicide**  
**From: CM Punk**  
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

**To: Shane Helms**  
**From: Chris Jericho**  
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

**To: Chris Jericho**  
**From: Edge**  
**About: Christian**  
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

* * *

_ There are more where this came from, I promise!_

_Review ^_^_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank's for the reviews, glad you're enjoying it! Keep reviewing, and we'll keep doing this =)  
**

**...and the insanity continues. Bammy and I really shouldn't be allowed to stay up past our bedtimes.**

* * *

**To: Randy Orton  
From: John Cena  
About: Evan Bourne**  
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together

**To: Cody Rhodes  
From: Sara Grace  
About: John Morrison**  
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

**To: DX  
From: Hornswoggle**  
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

**To: James Lawson  
From: Cooper Lawson  
About: Undertaker**  
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

**To: Edge  
From: Christian  
About: Matt Hardy**  
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

**To: The Miz  
From: John Morrison  
About: Melina**  
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

**To: James Lawson  
From: Undertaker  
About: Cooper Lawson**  
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

**To: His Journal  
From: Brian Kendrick **  
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

**To: Kelly Kelly  
From: Beth Phoenix**  
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

**To: Justin Bieber  
From: Zack Ryder**  
Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

**To: Every Employee of the WWE  
From: Randy Orton  
About: Miz stealing his title**  
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

**To: Heath Slater  
From: Justin Gabriel  
About: Wade Barrett**  
and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed

**To: Christian  
From: Edge**  
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

**To: Mindy Stratus-Lawson  
From: James Lawson  
About: Undertaker**  
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

**To: Randy Orton  
From: HHH  
About: HBK**  
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

**To: Samoa Joe  
From: CM Punk  
About: John Cena singing on Raw**  
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

**To: Maria  
From: Mickie James  
About: Jesse Neil  
**He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

**To:HHH  
From: HBK**  
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours **  
To: HBK  
From: HHH  
**andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

**To: Vladimer Koslov  
From: Santino  
About: Tamina**  
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

**To: Shane Helms  
From: Matt Hardy  
About: Jeff Hardy (high school setting)**  
He crawled in my bed this morning, gave me head, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

**To: Justin Gabriel  
From: Daniel Bryan**  
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

**To: AJ Styles  
From: Jeff Hardy**  
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

**To: Kimo  
From: Matt Hardy  
About: Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore**  
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

**To: Cooper Lawson  
From: Jeff Hardy**  
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

**To: Jeff Hardy  
From: Shannon Moore**  
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

**To: John Cena  
From: Randy Orton  
About: Evan Bourne**  
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

**To: Twitter  
From: Rob Van Dam  
About: Brian Kendrick**  
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

**To: Wade Barrett  
From: John Cena  
About: Cena and Randy Orton**  
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

**To: Jeff Hardy  
From: Ken Anderson **  
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encylopedia

**To: Ted DiBiase  
From: Cody Rhodes  
About: Zack Ryder  
**The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

**To: John Cena  
From: Dolph Ziggler  
About: Vickie Guerrero  
**i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

**To: Twitter  
From: Shannon Moore**  
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

**To: James Lawson  
From: Cooper Lawson  
**there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

**To: Jeff Hardy  
From: Shane Helms  
About: Matt Hardy**  
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

**To: Christian  
From: Matt Hardy  
About: Lita **  
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.

**To: Chris Sabin  
From: Alex Shelley  
About: Rob Van Dam**  
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

**To: Samantha Orton  
From: Randy Orton  
About: Justin Gabriel**  
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.

**To: Alex Shelley  
From: Chris Sabin  
**i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"  
**To: Chris Sabin**  
**From: Alex Shelley**  
if you ask that question again our friendship is over

**To: Jeff Hardy  
From: Cooper Lawson**  
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

**To: Shane Helms  
From: Chris Jericho**  
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.

**To: John Cena  
From: Dolph Ziggler**  
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

**To: Drew McIntyre  
From: Cody Rhodes **  
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

**To: Homicide  
From: CM Punk  
**Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

**To: Eric Young  
From: Brian Kendrick **  
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

**To: Matt Hardy  
From: Jeff Hardy  
About: Edge** No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

**To: Ted DiBiase  
From: Cody Rhodes  
About: Evan Bourne**  
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

**To: Undertaker  
From: James Lawson  
**I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.

**To: Max Buck  
From: Alex Shelley  
About: Chris Sabin spending too much time with Beer Money**  
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.

**To: Randy Orton  
From: Evan Bourne  
About: Undertaker**  
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

**To: Rob Van Dam**  
**From: Mr Anderson**  
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

**To: Cody Rhodes**  
**From: Ted DiBiase**  
**About: A night with Rand Orton**  
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Shane Helms**  
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant

**To: Brian Kendrick**  
**From: Rob Van Dam**  
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

**To: Cooper Lawson**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
I don`t remember Saturday, actually  
**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
Its ok, i dont remember 2007

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: John Cena**  
**About: Wade Barrett**  
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

**To: Chris Sabin**  
**From: Max Buck**  
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?  
**To: Max Buck**  
**From: Chris Sabin**  
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

**To: Max Buck**  
**From: Jeremy Buck**  
**About: Tara**  
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

**To: HHH**  
**From: Undertaker**  
**About: Michelle McCool**  
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.

**To: Natalya**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
**About: Melina**  
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week

**To: Matt Hardy**  
**From: Christian**  
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.

**To: Cooper Lawson**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

* * *

****Chapter 3 to come very soon!**

****Review, Love, Pass it on =)**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's just too fun not to stop. Review.**

* * *

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: John Cena**  
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

**To: Bryan Danielson**  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
**About: Randy Orton**  
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

**To: Connor Lawson**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: James Lawson**  
thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing

**To: Edge**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you  
**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Edge**  
Gross.

**To: Evan Bourne**  
**From: Bryan Danielson**  
Are you dead  
**To: Bryan Danielson**  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
Yes  
**To: Evan Bourne**  
**From: Bryan Danielson**  
Oh man  
**To: Bryan Danielson**  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

**To: Christian**  
**From: Edge**  
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.

**To: Beth Phoenix**  
**From: Melina**  
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.

**To: John Cena**  
**From: Randy Orton**  
**About: Preying on Evan Bourne**  
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

**To: Dolph Ziggler**  
**From: John Cena**  
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
**About: Justin Gabriel**  
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
**About: Sara Grace**  
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

**To: Undertaker**  
**From: Kane**  
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

**To: Chris Jericho**  
**From: Edge**  
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

**To: Alex Shelley**  
**From: Chris Sabin**  
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Shane Helms**  
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Matt Hardy (pre-TNA)**  
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

**To: Colt Cabana**  
**From: CM Punk**  
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

**To: Undertaker**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

**To: Sara Grace**  
**From: Connor Lawson**  
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

**To: Heath Slater**  
**From: Justin Gabriel**  
**About: Wade Barrett**  
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

**To: Undertaker**  
**From: Connor Lawson**  
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

**To: Christian**  
**From: Edge**  
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop**  
To: Edge**  
**From: Christian**  
so that means christmas in space?**  
To: Christian**  
**From: Edge**  
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

**To: Twitter**  
**From: James Lawson**  
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

**To: Mr Anderson**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Edge**  
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

**To: Chris Sabin**  
**From: Alex Shelley**  
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

**To: Ted DiBiase**  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

**To: John Cena**  
**From: Dolph Ziggler**  
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy

**To: Undertaker**  
**From: James Lawson**  
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

**To: Alex Shelley**  
**From: Chris Sabin**  
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

**To: Shannon Moore**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

**To: Tommy Dreamer**  
**From: Goldust**  
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

**To: Christian**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

**To: Cooper Lawson**  
**From: Connor Lawson**  
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

**To: Shannon Moore, Shane Helms, and Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Matt Hardy**  
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: Ted DiBiase**  
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.  
**To: Ted DiBiase**  
**From: Randy Orton**  
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

**To: John Cena**  
**From: Randy Orton**  
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
**From: Shannon Moore**  
**About: Attending Taker's wedding**  
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in.

**To: Twitter**  
**From: Mr. Anderson**  
**About: Jeff Hardy**  
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

**To: Colt Cabana**  
**From: CM Punk**  
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

**To: Matt Hardy**  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20

**To: Mr. Anderson**  
**From: Matt Morgan**  
**About: Over-hearing a debate between MCMG and BMI.**  
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

**To: Cody Rhodes**  
**From: Sara Grace**  
**About: Randy Orton**  
i would one night stand the shit outta him

**To: Michael Cole**  
**From: Alex Riley**  
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him

**To: Randy Orton**  
**From: John Cena**  
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty


	4. Chapter 4

**From: Edge **  
**To: Christian **  
**About: Jeff Hardy **  
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

**To: Alex Shelley **  
**From: Chris Sabin **  
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

**To: Jeff Hardy **  
**From: Matt Hardy **  
**About: Chrisitan **  
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

**To: Randy Orton **  
**From: Evan Bourne **  
**About: Bammy **  
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

**To: Justin Gabriel**  
** From: A friend of his **  
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

To: Chris Sabin  
From: Robert Roode  
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability

**To: Low Ki** (Kaval)  
**From: Brian Danielson**  
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

**To: Cody Rhodes **  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick?

**To: Jeff Hardy **  
**From: Cooper Lawson **  
**About: Connor Lawson **  
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

**To: Matt Hardy **  
**From: Tom Hardy**  
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.

**To: Chris Jericho **  
**From: Edge**  
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

**To: Matt Hardy **  
**From: Undertaker **  
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?

**To: Evan Bourne**  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

**To: Twitter **  
**From: Husky Harris **  
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

**To: Cooper Lawson **  
**From: Sara Grace **  
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

**To: Chris Sabin **  
**From: Alex Shelley **  
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

**To: John Cena**  
** From: Randy Orton **  
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

**To: Edge **  
**From: Christian**  
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority

**To: Samoa Joe**  
** From: CM Punk **  
**About: Homicide**  
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.

**To: Matt Hardy **  
**From: Edge**  
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.

**To: James Lawson **  
**From: Undertaker **  
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

**To: RVD **  
**From: AJ Styles **  
**About: Flair **  
killing over any day now it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral

**To: Matt Hardy **  
**From: Jeff Hardy **  
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

**To: Cody Rhodes**  
** From: Ted Dibiase**  
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
** From: Edge **  
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

**To: Cooper Lawson **  
**From: CM Punk **  
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...

_(note from author: I did NOT make the previous two texts up. That's how they were. It is awsome)_

**To: Jeff Hardy **  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

**To: Heath Slater**  
** From: Justin Gabriel**  
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

**To: Edge **  
**From: Christian**  
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr

**To: Chris Jericho **  
**From: Matt Hardy **  
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

**To: Randy Orton **  
**From: Wade Barrett **  
**About: Justin Gabriel **  
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts  
_(author note: if you don't know why this is funny and related to Wade Barrett, google it and be amused.)_

**To: Miz **  
**From: John Morrison **  
**About: Melina **  
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

**To: The Hotel Maid**  
** From: Ric Flair**  
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.

**To: Evan Bourne**  
**From: Randy Orton **  
**About: Taking Evan to his first strip club **  
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.

**To: James Lawson **  
**From: Cooper Lawson **  
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

**To: James Lawson**  
**From: CM Punk**  
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?  
**To: CM Punk**  
** From: James Lawson **  
Yes, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.

**To: Layla **  
**From: Michlle McCool **  
**About: Being so drunk she thinks she's still a teacher**  
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

**To: Shannon Moore**  
** From: Jeff Hardy **  
**About: Attending Taker's wedding **  
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

**To: Sara Grace**  
** From: Cody Rhodes **  
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

**To: Twitter**  
** From: Matt Hardy **  
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

**To: Edge **  
**From: Christian**  
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
** From: Matt Hardy**  
** About: Tom Hardy**  
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

**To: Chris Jericho**  
**From: Edge**  
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
** From: Cooper Lawson**  
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it


	5. Chapter 5

** Thanks for the reviews guys=) Keep them coming. **

** There's a lot of Lawson/Hardy in this chapter because, well, today it seems that everything I see makes me think of them. **

**_Love on..._**

**

* * *

To: Matt Hardy **  
**From: Jeff Hardy **  
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

**To: Shannon Moore **  
**From: Matt Hardy **  
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
** From: Cooper Lawson **  
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.

**To: Robert Roode**  
** From: James Storm**  
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?

**To: Edge **  
**From: John Morrison**  
If we could never, ever tell Mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great

**To: Yoshi Tatsu **  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.

**To: Randy Orton**  
** From: Cody Rhodes**  
**About: Ted DiBiase**  
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

**To: Bryan Danielson **  
**From: Evan Bourne **  
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

**To: Chris Jericho **  
**From: Edge **  
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

**To: Taker**  
**From: Cody**  
**About: Sara**  
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

**To: Randy Orton**  
** From: Evan Bourne**  
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

**To: Cody Rhodes**  
** From: Drew McIntyre **  
**About: Ziggler **  
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.

**To: D.H. Smith **  
**From: Beth Phoenix **  
**About: Natalya **  
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

**To: Heath Slater **  
**From: Cooper Lawson **  
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
** From: Shannon Moore **  
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

**To: Taker **  
**From: Wade Barrett**  
**About: Sara **  
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

**To: Matt Hardy**  
** From: Shane Helms **  
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.

**To: Shannon Moore **  
**From: Jeff Hardy**  
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

**To: Matt Hardy**  
** From: Christian **  
**About: Edge and Jericho **  
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

**To: Jeff Hardy**  
** From: Cooper Lawson**  
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

**To: Triple H**  
** From: HBK **  
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!

**To: The Miz**  
** From: John Morrison**  
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

**To: James Lawson **  
**From: Taker**  
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

**To: Matt Hardy **  
**From: Jeff Hardy **  
**About: Cooper Lawson**  
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

**To: Randy Orton **  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
** About: Evan Bourne**  
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

**To: Kane **  
**From: Taker **  
**About: James Lawson**  
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach...he knows me too well.

**To: Tommy Dreamer**  
** From: Raven **  
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

**To: Jeff Hardy **  
**From: Sara **  
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

**To: Jeff Hardy **  
**From: Tom Hardy**  
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

**To: John Cena **  
**From: Randy Orton **  
**About: Triple H **  
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ  


* * *

_**Note: I wanted to mention that any misspellings that are in the texts are not from me, as they are copied from the site. I don't want to change the tweets in any way, so I leave the misspellings.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**To: James Storm  
From: Rob Van Dam**  
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

**To: Twitter **  
**From: Matt Hardy **  
**About: Shannon Morre**  
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.

**To: Sara **  
**From: Cody Rhodes**  
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

**To: Wade Barrett**  
** From: Heath Slater**  
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?

**To: Justin Gabriel**  
** From: Kelly Kelly**  
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

**To: Kazarian**  
** From: AJ Styles **  
**About: Brian Kendrick**  
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

**To: Cooper Lawson**  
** From: Jeff Hardy**  
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?  
**To: Jeff Hardy **  
**From: Cooper Lawson**  
It's 11 o'clock somewhere.

**To: Chris Sabin **  
**From: Alex Shelley**  
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself

**To: Robert Roode **  
**From: James Storm**  
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

**To: Justin Gabriel**  
** From Heath Slater**  
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

**To: Wade Barrett **  
**From: Drew McIntyre**  
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

**To: CM Punk **  
**From: David Otunga**  
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

**To: Robert Roode**  
**From: James Storm**  
**About: Shelley**  
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him

**To: Christian **  
**From: Edge**  
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

**To: Wade Barrett **  
**From: Sara **  
**About: John Cena**  
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?

**To: Christian **  
**From: Edge**  
did mom hear me barking?  
**To: Edge **  
**From: Christian**  
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one  
**To: Christian **  
**From:Edge**  
sooo high. sooo many dog friends

**To: Matt Hardy **  
**From Edge**  
Um...sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even.

**To: Alex Shelley **  
**From: Robert Roode**  
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over

**To: AJ Styles **  
**From: Ric Flair**  
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

**To: Robert Roode**  
** From: James Storm**  
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light

**To: Heath Slater **  
**From: Justin Gabriel **  
**About: wade Barrett**  
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

**To: Jack Swagger **  
**From: Alex Riley**  
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night

**To: Alex Shelley **  
**From: Chris Sabin**  
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

**To: John Cena **  
**From: Evan Bourne **  
**About: Randy Orton**  
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?

**To: Sara **  
**From: Alex Shelley**  
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

**To: Justin Gabriel**  
** From: Heath Slater**  
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

**To: Randy Orton **  
**From: John Cena **  
**About: Being the Referee in the Wade vs. Punk match**  
**i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.**

**To: Cody Rhodes **  
**From: Evan Bourne**  
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night

**To: Chris Sabin**  
** From: Alex Shelley**  
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it


End file.
